It seems like a good idea to post a bit about my lizards, both for my own organizational stuff, and as a way to answer some of the expected questions.

I have two black and white Argentine tegus.

Tango is male, has jowls, and is the larger lizard. One of his quirks is that he has no discernible tongue. He's around 4 years old, and was adopted by DK when he was a juvenile, as a friend of hers ended up rescuing a black-throated monitor lizard that needed all her available lizard bandwidth. Tegus are omnivorous, and Tango has always eaten an assortment of canned dog food, fresh fruit, and previously frozen mice. I have found that he really likes bananas, chicken-and-rice dog food, and quail eggs. He will also eat plums. Tango is very fond of water, and likes to shower with me in the morning. I stopper the tub before I start, and let him soak after I 'm done. Soaking is good for his shedding, which is done in patches (rather than all over, at once, like a snake) video. Tango is also very good at climbing down, and will exit his cage if the door is left unlocked.

Foxtrot is a smaller, more clever lizard. DK acquired her after seeing her being mistreated at a pet shop. She was initially fed live food, and some of this shows up in how she eats now. She prefers meat to fruit, although she also likes bananas and eggs. She is very good at hiding, liking the back of my fireplace, or inside a pair of pants at the bottom of a pile of mending. She sometimes runs and hides when I come into the room.

Both tegus have lived with cats for the past 3-4 years. They get along just fine with the cats, and could use their teeth, claws, and and by whipping their tails. I've had all four animals loose in my house for hours on end, and haven't had any problem with it. Because they had been fed in the cage, they should be picked up from the cage by tossing a towel over the lizard's head. They like to be held underneath their rear legs, as well as under their front legs. I find that he's more still if I support his legs and tail. She's small enough that I can carry her in one hand.

Their cage is very large, and contains multiple heating elements. They get warmer temps during the day (upper 80s) and cooler at night. Warm lizards are fast lizards, while ones just sitting in the house are slow.

Herps tend to have Salmonella in their digestive tracts. I've got a container of alcohol hand sanitizer on the top of their cage, which I encourage you to use after touching them. You can also wash your hands. I advice against touching your face or eating until ater you've washed your hands.

Let me know if you have any questions about Foxtrot or Tango, or about tegus generally.

My employer has adopted the following ( policy )

I'd be curious about feedback/responses. I also thought it might be useful to share in case friends/friends of friends wand such a thing for their workplace.

His third birthday is celebrated today :-) Many thanks to simplykimberly, who makes the Best Kittens EVAR

I'm putting these links together for me, but in a place where they may help you, too.

Peninsula Humane Society

Our Clinic’s "Feral Cat Package” includes vaccines as age appropriate, ear tipping, FIV/FeLV tests, in addition to the surgery. This service is available for just $45 or it is free when a county voucher is presented. To obtain a voucher, call San Mateo County Health Department, Monday through Thursday, at 650/573-3940.

Palo Alto
Palo Alto Spay/Neuter

Town Cats (Santa Clara county resources)
Lawrence Pet Hospital, which has taken in Zeta and Theta
South Bay Homeless Cat Network
Stanford Cat Network (campus oriented)
Homeless Cat Network

I’ve been reflecting some on apologies and forgiveness lately, and would like to noodle about it with you. Note that I’m aware that one might choose to forgive someone who hasn’t apologized, but that feels like a different enough topic that I’m going to leave it over there.

As a child, I recall being taught to say “I’m sorry” if I stepped on someone’s feet or “I apologize” if I ate what was supposed to be their cookie. Say you’re sorry and get forgiven. Apology and acceptance. Those were the patterns that I knew.

It is a story line about apology and forgiveness that doesn’t include the aspect of remorse. “I am sorry” is used as a statement of made-a-mistake, not “I regret my actions.” There isn’t a choice about whether or not to apologize. It is treated as an equivalent of “would you please pass the salt?” And just like passing the salt, there is an expectation of acceptance, of compliance. While I can refuse a request for a ride to the airport or to have dinner on Sunday, it isn’t an option to not want or not be able to pass the salt (well, if I can’t reach it or have a problem lifting it for some reason, I expect I can deputize passing the salt to someone more capable. But replying with “no” is outside of what I can imagine as possible.

I think that what this means is that we don’t learn about real apologies, or about forgiveness. We don’t learn about remorse or regret. And some of that is because small children aren’t developmentally capable of that kind of mens rea and culpability. Some of it is because parents like mine cared more about “being nice” and politeness than about developing their children’s emotional skills.

When I was in my 30’s, I began to grok remorse. I felt like no one in the history of the planet had ever felt as much shame, guilt, blame, upset and unworthiness as I did over some of my mistakes. Learning to live with my own remorese, and to forgive myself for my mistakes was a difficult but important task.

I’d like to learn more about forgiving others now. I’d like to come to a better understanding of what my own needs for apologies are. I know that Gary Chapman, who wrote the The Five Love Languages also wrote The Five Languages of Apology, but I didn’t find that to give me enough language to describe what feels like a good apology, what shows me remorse, what I need in order to forgive someone and move on, what circumstance I will forgive someone and re-engage, and why I sometimes continue to feel wronged and resentful.

I know that there is a need for me to see remorse/regret/contrition. I know that communications that are more-than-text help (I may not believe someone unless I can see or hear that they mean it). An apology tends to be undercut if it includes “and this is why I did it.”

Can anyone help me with finding what my necessary-if-not-sufficient conditions for forgiveness?

ETA: when the thing that someone is apologizing for is lying to me/not keeping a promise to me/betraying me, they are already in a situation of having me distrust them. Depending on the nature and scope of the wrong, I may just not be able to believe them when they apologize. So I need as many signals as possible that they are telling the truth. And if they are saying "please forgive me again", it may be impossible for me. Hmm.

fluffy cuteness, formerly in Fremont, now in EPA

clickies

I recently was talking to a friend about some things in my life, and she was surprised to discover that I am as spontaneous/unplanned/flexible about some things as I am. Or maybe I'm just clueless about people's attraction to me. I could also have just stumbled upon a friend who does things very differently from me.

So, for those of you who sometimes have sex with friends...begin sexual involvements with people who you consider friends at the start...

Poll #1410032 Curious snail is curious
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: Friends

When I have sex with a friend for the first time

I can tell when I am dating someone

I have excellent partners.

Also have awesome friends.

love you.

I'm feeling devastated. My head hurts because I'm dehydrated from crying too much.

It isn't about the decision, in so much as I think the Court's interpretation of the law is reasonable. It is just that the system is fucked up. I'm tired, I'm cranky, I miss the equal protection clause, and my illusion that it protected me.

I've considered things today ranging from civil disobedience to suicide to stopping speaking to people in mixed sex marriages.

I'm two parts hopeless, one part angry, and one part fuck you.

First, yay for benefits for partners of diplomats

Second, I'm going to assume that if you're reading this, you're familiar with DOMA, or can look it up if you're not sure.

Today's history lesson goes back to 1970, when, on May 18 Jack Baker and James Michael McConnell sought a marriage license in the state of Minnesota. This was the first known case of a same-sex couple applying for a marriage license in the US.

The lawsuit that followed, Baker v. Nelson (clicky for wiki) resulting in the precedent-setting holding limiting marriage to one man and one woman "does not offend the First, Eighth, Ninth, or Fourteenth Amendments to the United States Constitution". Baker v. Nelson is the reason why the Equal Protection arguments of Loving v. Virginia have not applied to same sex couples.

It is worth noting that Baker and McConnell did successfully file joint tax returns (one of the benefits of legal marriage) until 2004, when DOMA was passed.

Tomorrow, we will learn whether or not the California constitution, which has offered more protections than the federal Constitution, can be (and has been) modified to limit marriage to one man and one woman. We will learn if the right to marry that the Court ruled on in In Re Marriage will stand.

Right now, I'm crying. Until tomorrow morning, I will be praying. Once again, I'm afraid. Is my family going to be considered real? Will children like me be able to tell the truth?

What will you be doing tomorrow, and after tomorrow?

This seems to be a challenging time in several of my friends' relationships. There are currently three marriages that are talking about/planning divorces.

Rachel and Edda have been together since the early 1990's. Rachel is Canadian, and Edda is Dutch, and they met online. Edda emigrated to Canada early in their relationship. They have had three weddings together-- one small ceremony in a garden officiated by their rabbi, at a time when their synagogue was discussing discontinuing performing weddings for same sex couples; a large ceremony in front of their friends and families, performed by their rabbi; and a small ceremony when their province began to legally recognize same sex marriages. They have bought a house together and sold it, and bought yet another house. They could have moved to either country (the right to emigrate for same sex partners) and had their relationship recognized (as a marriage). They are now divorcing, and the courts will insure a fair process and equitable distribution of wealth.

Louise moved to Finland a number of years ago, and for at least seven years, has been with Manta. Finnish law recognizes same-sex marriage, but requires that same-sex partners go through additional hoops in order to change their last name(s) when they get married. Louise has taken Manta's Very Finnish last name. She's learned both Swedish and Finnish. Louise loves her job, while Manta hates hers, so Louise took on some additional responsibilities so that Manta could have a sabbatical year, and the return to work for a reduced number of hours. They bought a house together, and have spent their vacations remodeling it, and their summers working in the garden. They are now getting divorced, and it looks like Louise will be buying Manta out of the house. Manta will be free to take her ugly sofas and short-legged chairs and move to her own place. However, if anything gets messy, they have the court to go to for aid.

Stacy and Bev have been together for more than a decade. They got married when Gavin Newsom began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples, and again when the court affirmed the right to marry. They own a house together, too. But because they live in California, they have no legal oversight of the dissolution of their relationship. One could take their assets and run. Or change the locks on the doors. All sorts of things, and while a court might eventually restore a semblance of fairness, there is no guarantee that it would.

We need same sex marriage. Not just because gay, lesbian, and bisexual people fall in love and make commitments the same way that heterosexuals and bisexuals do, but also because sometimes people fall out of love and break commitments. It isn't just about how we celebrate love, but how we respond with fairness and compassion when love withers and fades.

We need same sex divorce.

I remember when I got divorced, legally, from a woman. We were careful to write the divorce settlement in such a way as to use no pronouns, and to omit our middle names. See, I got married to a man in 1986, and even though she became legally a woman in 1989, we were still married until 1992. My legal name, being used by both men and women, probably meant no one noticed that this was a divorce between women.

I have friends, M&T, who married when they were both legally women. M is Canadian, and they married there. Their marriage is legally recognized in Canada, but probably wouldn't have been in the US. Only since T is no longe a woman, maybe it can be recognized?

What sex is "opposite"? What is "same?" What if one person changes gender? What if they both do? Can the same marriage go from legally recognized to not recognized to recognized again?

Could we all change our names to Pat, Chris, Casey or Alex in order to marry whomever we wish?

How long would I need to take testosterone to marry a woman? If someone has XXY chromosomes, who can they marry? (Note: everyone I've known who fits that description was raised as a boy and identifies as a woman)

Limiting marriage to opposite sex partners can only work if we know someone's sex is, and if we can insure that it doesn't change.

Are we going to do an pants check as part of a wedding?

Is how genitals fit together really the most important compatibility question to ask of an engaged couple?

If so, then why do we let men who have ED or women whose vaginismus causes them to eschew penetration get married?

Harvey Milk Day

Reposting from my LJ from December, to honor Harvey Milk on his birthday.
Also, linking to my friend Lynn, who has some great first hand accounts of the events around his assassination.

I went to see Milk with minimo last week. It was a movie that brought up a lot of feelings, and had me crying, which isn't that big of a surprise, given the whole shooting-and-killing-gay-man aspect of the film.

But there was more, lots more.

This was the first movie I've ever seen that has some one I know as a character in a movie, and several people I've met-- Tom Ammiano (who plays himself) and Anne Kronenberg. I think about what my life was like when I moved to California. I first came to San Francisco because of a project that Cleve Jones was involved in called New Pacific Academy, where 100 young queer activists from across the US came to SF for a month of training. 1990 was the summer that the International AIDS/HIV Conference was in San Francisco, and when Queer Nation was born. I got to meet Morris Kight, Harry Hay, Phylis Lyon and Del Martin, Randy Shilts, Roberta Actenburg, Carole Migden, Harry Britt, Carole Queen, Eric Rofes, Allan Berube, David Halperin, and a bunch of other people whose names you'll know if you studied LGBT history or if you lived it yourself. This was before I became an MCC minister, before I presented workshops at NGLTF's Creating Change, or ran a program for people who had been victims of anti-GLBT violence. But that will given you an idea of what I thought my life would be like, and who my peers were.

I was raised by a lesbian couple who were both teachers. I remember the Briggs Initiative and Anita Bryant. I remember wondering what would happen to me. Harvey Milk was assassinated less than two weeks after my eleventh birthday. I was a kid. And I was scared and confused and also thought that people were CRAZY if they thought they could get gays to stop being schoolteachers, but also worried, what if they did.

I remember a Thanksgiving holiday, and I'm guessing it must have been 1978, because I remember my aunt's home on the Gulf Coast of Texas, and fussing about orange juice, and saying that I didn't want to drink any orange juice from Florida. That I didn't understand Anita Bryant.

I remember the deep and utter confusion that children experience, in a world that makes no sense and that they have no words or resources for puzzling out. I can't understand my recollections, but I remember that kitchen. I remember orange juice. I remember being scared. So I cried. And cried more. And fought back the urge to bawl.

And this world? The one in which so many of my friends come out in? It has Sean Penn playing a faggot. It has Ellen DeGeneres marrying Portia de Rossi, and a gay Mr. Sulu. So many people who have such a banal experience of being gay, lesbian or bisexual. In which same sex couples are accepted and move through life as human beings, or even in the places and times when we're second class citizens, at least we're citizens.

I don't know how we got here. I don't want to go back. I want the little girl I was to have been safer in her home, with her mommies who taught school. I'm still coming to terms with the terror and fear and anxiety that were my companions for so long.

As any of my regular readers know, I was adopted by my Mom when she was married to a man. He moved out when I was in kindergarten, and was a limited (and negative) presence in my life thereafter.

There are lots of ways in which legally recognized same-sex marriage would benefit adoptive children or prospective adoptive children. An index of state by state laws is here, and these laws have become more and more generous over time.

Some people who would like to adopt children are prohibited because they are single--legally unmarried-- and courts and adoption agencies often favor two parent homes. Some can't adopt because one partner has the financial resources to care for a child while the other has the time and inclination to provide most of the childcare-- which may be great for a child, but because neither parent is ideal on their own, they will get passed over.

The laws on second parent or step parent adoptions are rather weird and inconsistent, and don't seem to actually promote families, the state's legitimate interests, or the child's well being.

The law has long had a different policy for step-parent adoptions than it does for other sorts of adoptions. If Mom or Dad was widowed while having a minor child, and then later remarried, the child would often grow up thinking of a step-parent as Dad or Mom. The law recognizes that this person has the social and emotional role of "parent" and allow for the legal parent relationship, too. This type of adoption functions more like a name change-- file paperwork to make it happen, and the court decrees it so.

With same sex couples who get together when one of them has a minor child (or children), they may be treated as though they are trying to adopt a child who is a stranger. This requires home studies, background checks, applications, etc. The same sex partner of Mom or Dad is checked out to see if they qualify or are good enough to become a legal parent. The expenses of all this checking and investigating and fingerprinting is borne by the couple. If the application is turned down, for whatever reason, though, the child continues to live in the same home with their parent's same sex partner. The partner continues to make PBJs with the crust cut off or drive to soccer practice or go to the PTA meeting. They just don't have the right to take the child to the doctor's office or take them to visit Grandma in Toronto.

Sometimes, if a child was adopted by a single gay or lesbian person, they are unable to be adopted by a second parent of the same gender-- in essence saying "you've already got one adoptive mom, you can't have another"

I had two Moms. And a birthmother. I would have liked to have had the law recognize that Shirley was my stepmother, and have allowed her to adopt me and become really, indisputably my mom. It would have been great to not have to fuss about "who she was" when who she was was "someone that I love who is dying."

I hope we have something to celebrate tomorrow.

Love matters.

Family matters.

Equality matters.

Yesterday's SSM post got me thinking about the fact that I used to be eligible to perform weddings. From 1993 (when I was 25 years old) until around 2000, I was an ordained clergyperson, which meant I could officiate at weddings, and, if they were between a man and a woman who had obtained the appropriate license, what I did made them legally married.

I went to seminary, took classes on how to plan and perform a wedding, questions and conversations to have with the prospective couple, when to marry or not marry people, whether or not to perform weddings for couples where neither one is a member of the church, etc.

I recall two ways in which I, as an MCC seminarian, was different from most of my classmates.

First was that my denomination expected couples to cohabit before their wedding, and it was considered appropriate to decline to marry people who had been living together for less than a year. Other classmates came from churches where the couple was, at the least, supposed to pretend to live separately and to have never had sex before. I was generally envied for my denomination's stance on sexuality.

Second was my position that I would marry couples where neither of them were involved with my congregation at all. The professor had strongly encouraged us not to marry non-members, and not to have a fee structure that induced people to join the church in order to get a price break on a wedding. Those people, he said, would not be meaningful members of the congregation, and why should we add to our workload in this way. He had a point. However, if two women or two men came to me asking for a wedding, they did not necessarily have any other options. They did not have the luxury of choosing which church to marry in. Furthermore, I strongly believe that same sex couples deserve to hear, know, and experience that God blesses and delights in their union. That was one of the most important ministries that I could provide.

Last night, I realized another way in which I was not like my Methodist, UCC, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Catholic, Baptist, Disciples of Christ, or Unitarian Universalist classmates. All of us were seen as people who were entrusted with guiding people who are discerning whether or not to get married. Who were responsible for counseling couples to have difficult conversations in order to be certain that they were ready to marry and as prepared as possible for married life together. To lead, guide and support couples who were joining their lives together.

Only I wasn't given the legal right to actually obtain a wedding license for myself and the woman that I loved.

California has a medical board to certify doctors, but lets everyone receive medical care (well, grrr, as long as they have insurance and/or can afford to pay for it). As a state, we license plumbers, but allow anyone to own and use a toilet. We give tests lawyers, but allow everyone to represent themselves in court.

In other areas, it takes more training, regulation, education, and demonstrated competence to be the licensed professional than it does to hire a licensed professional.

Except when it comes to marrying people.

Where no matter what you know about love, about relationships, about commitment, communication, building and maintaining a family, resolving differences, honoring another person, treating someone with respect, caring, devotion and constancy, you cannot be married to someone unless they are at least theoretically capable of uniting their anatomy with yours in a particular way.

This, I do not understand.

In New Hampshire, same sex marriage looks to become legally recognized as long as it makes it explicit that churches do not need to perform them. Now, one of the things that is absurd about this is that it has always been the case that religious organizations get to decide who they will conduct weddings for. Catholics can require that the couple agree to raise any children as Catholic. Orthodox Jews can require that both people be Jews. A religious organization can set whatever rules they want for whom they will marry, based on their own notions of what marriage means, who is ready to be wed, or whether or not their leader wishes to solemnize the vows of a particular couple.

Many religious organizations do not bless same-sex relationships and do not offer weddings to same sex couples. I don't know that that will ever change. You don't serve lobster at a bar mitzvah or offer a champagne toast at a Southern Baptist wedding. Activities considered legal, ordinary or appropriate in society in generally may be prohibited at a religious ceremony-- that is part of what separation of church and state is about.

At the same time, religious events do not carry legal weight. Coming of age rituals do not give you the right to vote or enter into a contract or other legal rights of adulthood. You don't get a new birth certificate when you're Born Again.

The fight for legal recognition of same sex marriage is a fight to have the state offer the legal benefits of marriage to same sex couples, to offer wedding licenses to same sex couples on the same terms as mixed gender couples, and to recognize the weddings of same sex couples in the same way weddings of opposite sex couples are recognized by the state.

No one get arrested for performing a same-sex wedding. It isn't like taking peyote or selling wine to a child.

Unitarian Universalist and MCC have both offered weddings to same-sex couples for decades (I believe since 1969 for MCC and since the early 1970's for the UUA), and both organizations have been on the forefront of the legal struggle.

As a person of faith, a Unitarian-Universalist and former MCC clergy, it is important to me to state that same sex weddings have existed and will continue to exist in every state and across the world. People fall in love and get married. They get their commitment celebrated publicly and blessed officially. The health, continuity, and well being of same sex relationships are prayed for. I recall in 1993 or so, MCC voted to change their terminology from "Holy Union" for same sex couples and "Holy Matrimony" for mixed gender couples. As a matter of faith and theology, MCC holds that the commitments and vows made by any couple are equivalent.

"Where you go, I will go and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God." said Ruth to Naomi, and vow many Christians at their weddings.

Why should the wedding vows today of Jon and Kate or Spencer and Heidi be given different legal weight and meaning than the vows of George and Brad or Melissa and Tammy Lynn?

If you have ever had a same-sex religious wedding that you want legal recognition for, please leave a comment, with as much information or detail as you wish.

note: the California Supreme Court has announced that they will announce the day before they are going to make a decision in the Prop 8 cases. A multi-faith prayer service will be held at Grace Cathedral the night before. Information on that and other communities of faith activities here.

I was raised by lesbians, surrounded by gay men. Theater, showtunes. I saw Richard Burton perform in Camelot. When I saw La Cage Aux Folles, for the first time, I saw someone whose family was like mine. I held Shirley's hand and cried throughout this song:



So I present this post for Same Sex Marriage in musical form.



Even if a relationship is unconventional, or not what parents are expecting



And after the walk down the aisle, the first dance.

Today, I'm exhausted. And not very verbose. So I'm turning today's post over to Miley Cyrus, who recently Twittered...

• "Everyone deserves to love and be loved and most importantly smile."
• "Jesus loves you and your partner and wants you to know how much he cares! That's like a daddy not loving his lil boy cuz he's gay and that is wrong and very sad!
• "Like I said everyone deserves to be happy."
• "God’s greatest commandment is to love. And judging is not loving."
• "I am a Christian and I love you - gay or not - because you are no different than anyone else! We are all God's children."

What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
Like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?

Langston Hughes

When Gavin Newsome began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples, the number marrying exploded. The line of bride-and-bride, groom-and-groom that circled the block. Volunteer officiants and volunteers with coffee.

I want to see explosions of confetti, of rice, of champagne corks.

Brides with buzzcuts and grooms in his-and-his tuxedos.

Riotous acts of love, not riotous acts of civil disobedience.

Joy, celebration, recognition and validation.

I want it not to be encoded ("Lorraine Hansberry joined the Daughters of Bilitis") or whispered about and speculated upon. Would I love to ba able claim that I've got something in common with Langston Hughes or Lorraine Hansberry? Sure, of course I would.

But really, what I want, is a world in which our dreams have a time a place to come true. Where every little girl who has dreamed of being a bride can become one...even if it is to walk down the aisle with another woman.

Haven't we waited long enough?

Let my people go...to the chapel.